Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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