checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
