i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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