she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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