I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
