Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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