Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
