You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
