take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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