Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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