Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
