**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
