im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
