I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
