I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
