I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
