She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
