He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
