Jerry, you need to find god
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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