After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize