It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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