new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
