In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize