I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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