those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
