i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
