No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
