I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
