there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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