By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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