I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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