i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
