i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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