You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
