I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
