I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
