Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Still dying that you shit outside
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
