is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
