can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize