Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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