Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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