I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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