Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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