just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
