when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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