So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
