you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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