I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
