i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize