I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
