I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
