i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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