He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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