Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
