so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
