before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
