Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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