3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My liver just broke up with me...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
